Entry #53

Pretty much all day today I sat on my bed and thought about James.

I thought about how much I pushed him away, how much I ignored him. Anything bad I did, I thought of. I remembered when he asked me to play Monopoly a few days before he disappeared, and how I said I was busy. Even though I had nothing else to do, I still said I was busy, because I didn't want to be around him.

And stuff like that. I couldn't stop thinking about it, and it's made me feel even worse. Like it's my fault somehow.

I'm not searching for anything outside anymore. Every time I do, something bad happens. I know what's happening. They're forcing me to stay in the house, trapping me inside so I just wait for them like a sitting duck. They're going to play with my head before taking me just like they took James.

I'm not letting that happen. I'm taking a knife to my room, the sharpest, longest one we have. I'm keeping it next to my bed, and I'm going to fake being asleep all night. If I see the Howler come into my room--I'm sure he will, I'm sure he has been every night--I'm going to stab him. Not fatally, but I'm going to get him to tell me where my brother is. Even if it takes some coercion.

Wish me luck.

R.C.